{"id":2508,"date":"2025-03-22T22:24:51","date_gmt":"2025-03-22T22:24:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/?p=2508"},"modified":"2025-03-23T00:16:17","modified_gmt":"2025-03-23T00:16:17","slug":"the-duality-of-feeling-grateful-and-heartbroken","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/?p=2508","title":{"rendered":"The duality of feeling grateful and heartbroken&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"2508\" class=\"elementor elementor-2508\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-u8wmpo6 e-con-boxed e-con\" data-id=\"u8wmpo6\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-settings=\"{&quot;background_background&quot;:&quot;classic&quot;,&quot;shape_divider_bottom&quot;:&quot;waves&quot;,&quot;content_width&quot;:&quot;boxed&quot;}\" data-e-bg-lazyload=\"\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-shape elementor-shape-bottom\" data-negative=\"false\">\n\t\t\t<svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" viewBox=\"0 0 1000 100\" preserveAspectRatio=\"none\">\n\t<path class=\"elementor-shape-fill\" d=\"M421.9,6.5c22.6-2.5,51.5,0.4,75.5,5.3c23.6,4.9,70.9,23.5,100.5,35.7c75.8,32.2,133.7,44.5,192.6,49.7\n\tc23.6,2.1,48.7,3.5,103.4-2.5c54.7-6,106.2-25.6,106.2-25.6V0H0v30.3c0,0,72,32.6,158.4,30.5c39.2-0.7,92.8-6.7,134-22.4\n\tc21.2-8.1,52.2-18.2,79.7-24.2C399.3,7.9,411.6,7.5,421.9,6.5z\"\/>\n<\/svg>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-75e38df e-con-full e-con\" data-id=\"75e38df\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-settings=\"{&quot;content_width&quot;:&quot;full&quot;}\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-3b464b2 elementor-widget elementor-widget-heading\" data-id=\"3b464b2\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"heading.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<style>\/*! elementor - v3.12.2 - 23-04-2023 *\/\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}<\/style><h2 class=\"elementor-heading-title elementor-size-default\">The duality of feeling grateful and heartbroken<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-b206e2e e-con-boxed e-con\" data-id=\"b206e2e\" data-element_type=\"container\" data-settings=\"{&quot;content_width&quot;:&quot;boxed&quot;}\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"e-con-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-5433d7b elementor-widget__width-initial elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"5433d7b\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<style>\/*! elementor - v3.12.2 - 23-04-2023 *\/\n.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-stacked .elementor-drop-cap{background-color:#69727d;color:#fff}.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-framed .elementor-drop-cap{color:#69727d;border:3px solid;background-color:transparent}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap{margin-top:8px}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap-letter{width:1em;height:1em}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap{float:left;text-align:center;line-height:1;font-size:50px}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap-letter{display:inline-block}<\/style>\t\t\t\t<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The duality of feeling <strong data-start=\"134\" data-end=\"162\">grateful and heartbroken<\/strong>, <strong data-start=\"164\" data-end=\"197\">full of love and full of pain<\/strong>, <strong data-start=\"199\" data-end=\"233\">moving forward yet still stuck<\/strong>\u2014it\u2019s all part of the messy, nonlinear grief experience that so many go through but few dare to put into words<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-1998f68 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"1998f68\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"406\" data-end=\"447\"><b>It\u2019s strange how time works after loss.<\/b><\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"449\" data-end=\"539\">Six years with Trist \u00a0felt like a moment.<br data-start=\"487\" data-end=\"490\" \/>Six years without him has felt like a lifetime.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"541\" data-end=\"794\">This year \u00a0marks six years since you left, Trist.<br data-start=\"589\" data-end=\"592\" \/>And while I often speak of gratitude\u2014of the love we had, the memories we made, and the beautiful life we built\u2014today I need to speak about something else:\u00a0<strong data-start=\"747\" data-end=\"794\">the quiet ache that still hasn\u2019t gone away.<\/strong><\/p><hr style=\"font-style: normal;\" data-start=\"796\" data-end=\"799\" \/><h3 style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"801\" data-end=\"837\">The roller coaster of real grief<\/h3><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"839\" data-end=\"927\">No one prepares you for the emotional chaos that follows losing the love of your life.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"929\" data-end=\"1101\">Some days, I feel blessed beyond words.<br data-start=\"968\" data-end=\"971\" \/>To have had the kind of love people write about.<br data-start=\"1019\" data-end=\"1022\" \/>The kind that crosses oceans, moves mountains, and survives against all odds.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"1103\" data-end=\"1221\">But then, there it is again\u2014<br data-start=\"1131\" data-end=\"1134\" \/>The\u00a0<strong data-start=\"1138\" data-end=\"1147\">anger<\/strong>.<br data-start=\"1148\" data-end=\"1151\" \/>The\u00a0<strong data-start=\"1155\" data-end=\"1169\">hollowness<\/strong>.<br data-start=\"1170\" data-end=\"1173\" \/>The\u00a0<strong data-start=\"1177\" data-end=\"1186\">guilt<\/strong>\u00a0for feeling these things at all.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"1223\" data-end=\"1414\">It builds quietly, like a slow burn, and then explodes in the most ordinary moments\u2014at school drop-offs, folding baby clothes that no longer fit, or hearing a song we used to play in the car.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"1416\" data-end=\"1561\">I take two steps forward.<br data-start=\"1441\" data-end=\"1444\" \/>Then grief pulls me back again.<br data-start=\"1475\" data-end=\"1478\" \/><b>And I think:\u00a0<em data-start=\"1491\" data-end=\"1561\">This doesn\u2019t feel like living. It doesn\u2019t feel like anything at all.<\/em><\/b><\/p><hr style=\"font-style: normal;\" data-start=\"1563\" data-end=\"1566\" \/><h3 style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"1568\" data-end=\"1617\">The unseen weight of grieving while being a mum<\/h3><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"1619\" data-end=\"1700\">Raising our daughter without her daddy \u00a0has been the most profound, painful privilege.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"1702\" data-end=\"1898\">She brings me joy, purpose, and love\u2014but there\u2019s a shadow that follows each milestone.<br data-start=\"1788\" data-end=\"1791\" \/>Her first Christmas. Her first word. Her first day of school.<br data-start=\"1852\" data-end=\"1855\" \/>All wrapped in celebration&#8230; and sorrow.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"1900\" data-end=\"1942\">I smile for her.<br data-start=\"1916\" data-end=\"1919\" \/>And then I cry alone.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"1944\" data-end=\"2130\">I\u2019ve learned to function with a cracked heart. To carry this invisible grief while showing up for life.<br data-start=\"2047\" data-end=\"2050\" \/>And honestly? <b>It\u2019s<\/b>\u00a0<span data-start=\"2071\" data-end=\"2085\"><b>exhausting<\/b>. But I keep showing up for a very good reason, for her \u00a0four our daughter I<\/span><span style=\"font-family: -webkit-standard; font-size: medium; text-align: var(--text-align);\">\u2019ll keep living, even when it hurts.<\/span><\/p><hr style=\"font-style: normal;\" data-start=\"2857\" data-end=\"2860\" \/><h3 style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"2862\" data-end=\"2889\">For Anyone Reading This<\/h3><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"2891\" data-end=\"3054\">If you\u2019re walking through a similar kind of grief\u2014especially the lonely kind that comes after years have passed and people assume you&#8217;re \u201cover it\u201d\u2014this is for you.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"3056\" data-end=\"3123\">You\u2019re not alone.<br data-start=\"3073\" data-end=\"3076\" \/>You\u2019re not doing it wrong.<br data-start=\"3102\" data-end=\"3105\" \/>You\u2019re not broken.<\/p><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"3056\" data-end=\"3123\">There are good days and there are bad days, it is the way it is, but know in your heart that even the bad days shall too pass. You will find that your love has become\u00a0<span style=\"text-align: var(--text-align);\">the strength you didn\u2019t know you \u00a0had.<\/span><\/p><hr style=\"font-style: normal;\" data-start=\"3328\" data-end=\"3331\" \/><h3 style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"3333\" data-end=\"3362\"><span style=\"text-align: var(--text-align);\">Keep going!<\/span><\/h3><p style=\"font-style: normal; caret-color: #000000; color: #000000;\" data-start=\"3769\" data-end=\"3851\">\u00a0<\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The duality of feeling grateful and heartbroken The duality of feeling grateful and heartbroken, full of love and full of pain, moving forward yet still stuck\u2014it\u2019s all part of the messy, nonlinear grief experience that so many go through but few dare to put into words It\u2019s strange how time works after loss. Six years &hellip;<\/p>\n<p class=\"read-more\"> <a class=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/?p=2508\"> <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">The duality of feeling grateful and heartbroken&#8230;<\/span> Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_mi_skip_tracking":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","wds_primary_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2508","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-love-and-loss","category-single-parenting"],"aioseo_notices":[],"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":false,"thumbnail":false,"medium":false,"medium_large":false,"large":false,"1536x1536":false,"2048x2048":false},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"jaquie.pantoja@gmail.com","author_link":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/?author=1"},"uagb_comment_info":3,"uagb_excerpt":"The duality of feeling grateful and heartbroken The duality of feeling grateful and heartbroken, full of love and full of pain, moving forward yet still stuck\u2014it\u2019s all part of the messy, nonlinear grief experience that so many go through but few dare to put into words It\u2019s strange how time works after loss. Six years&hellip;","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2508","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2508"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2508\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2522,"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2508\/revisions\/2522"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2508"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2508"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/crazybeautifulmadness.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2508"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}