The duality of feeling grateful and heartbroken
The duality of feeling grateful and heartbroken, full of love and full of pain, moving forward yet still stuck—it’s all part of the messy, nonlinear grief experience that so many go through but few dare to put into words
It’s strange how time works after loss.
Six years with Trist felt like a moment.
Six years without him has felt like a lifetime.
This year marks six years since you left, Trist.
And while I often speak of gratitude—of the love we had, the memories we made, and the beautiful life we built—today I need to speak about something else: the quiet ache that still hasn’t gone away.
The roller coaster of real grief
No one prepares you for the emotional chaos that follows losing the love of your life.
Some days, I feel blessed beyond words.
To have had the kind of love people write about.
The kind that crosses oceans, moves mountains, and survives against all odds.
But then, there it is again—
The anger.
The hollowness.
The guilt for feeling these things at all.
It builds quietly, like a slow burn, and then explodes in the most ordinary moments—at school drop-offs, folding baby clothes that no longer fit, or hearing a song we used to play in the car.
I take two steps forward.
Then grief pulls me back again.
And I think: This doesn’t feel like living. It doesn’t feel like anything at all.
The unseen weight of grieving while being a mum
Raising our daughter without her daddy has been the most profound, painful privilege.
She brings me joy, purpose, and love—but there’s a shadow that follows each milestone.
Her first Christmas. Her first word. Her first day of school.
All wrapped in celebration… and sorrow.
I smile for her.
And then I cry alone.
I’ve learned to function with a cracked heart. To carry this invisible grief while showing up for life.
And honestly? It’s exhausting. But I keep showing up for a very good reason, for her four our daughter I’ll keep living, even when it hurts.
For Anyone Reading This
If you’re walking through a similar kind of grief—especially the lonely kind that comes after years have passed and people assume you’re “over it”—this is for you.
You’re not alone.
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re not broken.
There are good days and there are bad days, it is the way it is, but know in your heart that even the bad days shall too pass. You will find that your love has become the strength you didn’t know you had.
Keep going!